[Oh yeah same he's not gooping up their nice clean bed.
Anyway he just sighs a little at that, shaking his head.]
I'm not looking for reassurance - I'm trying to apologize, that's all. [He hates! Thank yous and sorries!!] Taking you out there at all wasn't exactly the best idea any of us have had.
[Taking
any of them out there wasn't a great idea?? He would have absolutely just gone it alone if he thought he could get away with it.]
[She's sure he didn't mean it the way she immediately interprets it, but—
All the same, her arms tighten around the pillow. It's not just what he's said; it's the lack of sleep, other things that have been happening this week, and - really, a feeling she's had for over a month now coming to a head. He might not be able to see her face from their current positions, but it's not hard to hear the slightly tightened, teary tone of her voice as she answers.]
I shouldn't have asked to come. Because - I can't fight and I'm apparently too stupid to have just looked up at the ceiling and stopped any of this from happening, so it's not like you needed me at all, right?
[This is the second time in the last like 6 hours that he's said something meant with good intentions that's ended up being WILDLY MISINTERPRETED.
Anyway he's sitting back upright like immediately, because of course he is - that's a horrible thing to hear Beck say. Even though he's clumsy with his words, he's quick to try righting things.]
—That's not what I meant. [haha @ beck saying the same thing to hige a few hours ago.] None of us looked at the ceiling, for one - and you still managed to fend off that corpse long enough for Junpei to shoot it. But someone who isn't used to violence - you shouldn't be forced to deal with it. Especially not like this.
[She rubs at her face with a shuddering breath, swallowing. Most days she would stop there, embarrassed and self conscious to have even let that much slip, but after everything that's happened both today and over the past few weeks...]
I'm sorry. I'm not trying to... It's not you, I just - it's like I'm always making things worse, or making people worry no matter what I do. And people keep telling me they feel like they need to look out for me more because of the place I came from, and I'm trying really hard to make sure they don't, because I hate feeling like I'm just burdening people, but maybe they do. Maybe I'm just useless here no matter what.
He scoots a little closer to her after a second, honestly never sure whether keeping his distance is a good or bad thing in situations like this. He's used to it being a good thing, but Beck seems to be having such a time that he - doesn't really want her to feel alone, or alienated. Any more than she already does, anyway.]
You don't need to apologize. People worry because they care, not because you're burdensome. No one here is useless, either. [He wishes! People would stop thinking that of themselves!!] ...You've proven yourself plenty capable, and I don't mean to make you think you're not. You're still alive, after all. [UNLIKE OVER HALF OF THEM.
Anyway, he just. Reaches out to touch her shoulder lightly.]
...You're not a burden, Beck. I promise you that you're not.
[It helps, in that it brings her back to herself; that sense of self hatred and guilt, at least, dulls enough at his words that she feels embarrassed for saying anything rather than the stronger tide of shame that preceded. The worry and fear, though, stay. That might be why, though she doesn't move from her spot laying on her side, she shifts her arm to come up and hold the hand he puts on her shoulder. It's a silent thanks, even if she feels too self conscious to directly address that outburst.
[He gives her hand a little squeeze, quiet for a few seconds. He's not sure if his words were able to help her any, and he's definitely sure his answer won't.]
...That depends. I'm hoping it'll fade on its own in a few days, but if it doesn't - or he gets worse... [Well. They all already know the answer to the "what if" there.]
We can't let him do anything he'd regret, in his right mind.
[Honestly, she knew that would likely be the answer. For whatever reason, she was just waiting for someone else to say it. That doesn't change the way she curls into herself a little bit, not letting go of his hand. The pillow gets pulled in again, squeezed against her chest so hard it's a little bit uncomfortable.
Regardless of all that:]
...I'll talk to Carlos. He gave me a task to fix my eye [that she still hasn't completed, but details!], so there has to be something we can do to fix this.
[YEAH HE'S briefly looking at her eye as if he expects it to magically be fixed when he glances?? But he gets it, running errands for the NPCs is becoming the new norm for like half the ship considering they're all CONSTANTLY GETTING INJURED.]
...Alright. [He's. Well, they're going to try everything they can, of course, but he's - hesitant.]
If it's something I can do to help, you'll let me know, yes? Otherwise, our options are a little limited.
...He wouldn't give up on any of us. We'll just have to be careful around him until we find a solution.
[That's - a very idealistic way to look at it, and it speaks to how lucky she, personally, has been in terms of who's died so far. Whether victim or possessed, there's only been one person she was especially close to, and it makes it a little bit harder to believe something that horrible and irreversible could happen to someone she cares for as much as him.]
Wei Wuxian, of course, being who he is, is already running through worst case scenarios in his mind. Things he anticipates will happen in those cases, the actions he himself wants to take - will try to, if it's down to the wire. ...But he's not one to cut down someone else's idealism or optimism, especially when he's fond of them. So instead of voicing any of that, he just smiles in a reassuring and agreeing way.]
Mm, you're right. Though we'll have to keep an eye on him when he's around others, too - and mind his teeth.
[He does deal with the undead way too much! Which is why he'd thought to ask Higekiri the question that had led him down a TERRIBLE PATH.]
That's part of it, but it's more like I think he really has developed a taste for flesh, unfortunately.
[Hilariously, zombies don't create more zombies by biting regular ass people in his world, so this is all new and wild to him, too. Zombitis... is a trip.]
So we'll want to, you know... keep an eye out for that.
[Just quietly giving Beck a look that says "UNFORTUNATELY YES".]
He doesn't have a taste for his favorite foods anymore. Said he was hungry, but couldn't figure out what for. When I asked if it was flesh- [Because, y'know, he's a zombie wrangler and he was Concerned about the signs he was seeing and wanted to check.] -he really seemed to consider it. Really.
[Jury's still out on whether or not Higekiri found someone to bite.]
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Anyway he just sighs a little at that, shaking his head.]
I'm not looking for reassurance - I'm trying to apologize, that's all. [He hates! Thank yous and sorries!!] Taking you out there at all wasn't exactly the best idea any of us have had.
[Taking
any of them out there wasn't a great idea?? He would have absolutely just gone it alone if he thought he could get away with it.]
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All the same, her arms tighten around the pillow. It's not just what he's said; it's the lack of sleep, other things that have been happening this week, and - really, a feeling she's had for over a month now coming to a head. He might not be able to see her face from their current positions, but it's not hard to hear the slightly tightened, teary tone of her voice as she answers.]
I shouldn't have asked to come. Because - I can't fight and I'm apparently too stupid to have just looked up at the ceiling and stopped any of this from happening, so it's not like you needed me at all, right?
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Anyway he's sitting back upright like immediately, because of course he is - that's a horrible thing to hear Beck say. Even though he's clumsy with his words, he's quick to try righting things.]
—That's not what I meant. [haha @ beck saying the same thing to hige a few hours ago.] None of us looked at the ceiling, for one - and you still managed to fend off that corpse long enough for Junpei to shoot it. But someone who isn't used to violence - you shouldn't be forced to deal with it. Especially not like this.
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[She rubs at her face with a shuddering breath, swallowing. Most days she would stop there, embarrassed and self conscious to have even let that much slip, but after everything that's happened both today and over the past few weeks...]
I'm sorry. I'm not trying to... It's not you, I just - it's like I'm always making things worse, or making people worry no matter what I do. And people keep telling me they feel like they need to look out for me more because of the place I came from, and I'm trying really hard to make sure they don't, because I hate feeling like I'm just burdening people, but maybe they do. Maybe I'm just useless here no matter what.
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He scoots a little closer to her after a second, honestly never sure whether keeping his distance is a good or bad thing in situations like this. He's used to it being a good thing, but Beck seems to be having such a time that he - doesn't really want her to feel alone, or alienated. Any more than she already does, anyway.]
You don't need to apologize. People worry because they care, not because you're burdensome. No one here is useless, either. [He wishes! People would stop thinking that of themselves!!] ...You've proven yourself plenty capable, and I don't mean to make you think you're not. You're still alive, after all. [UNLIKE OVER HALF OF THEM.
Anyway, he just. Reaches out to touch her shoulder lightly.]
...You're not a burden, Beck. I promise you that you're not.
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After a few moments:]
What if he doesn't go back to normal?
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...That depends. I'm hoping it'll fade on its own in a few days, but if it doesn't - or he gets worse... [Well. They all already know the answer to the "what if" there.]
We can't let him do anything he'd regret, in his right mind.
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Regardless of all that:]
...I'll talk to Carlos. He gave me a task to fix my eye [that she still hasn't completed, but details!], so there has to be something we can do to fix this.
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...Alright. [He's. Well, they're going to try everything they can, of course, but he's - hesitant.]
If it's something I can do to help, you'll let me know, yes? Otherwise, our options are a little limited.
[If the hosts can't do anything about it...]
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[That's - a very idealistic way to look at it, and it speaks to how lucky she, personally, has been in terms of who's died so far. Whether victim or possessed, there's only been one person she was especially close to, and it makes it a little bit harder to believe something that horrible and irreversible could happen to someone she cares for as much as him.]
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Well.
Wei Wuxian, of course, being who he is, is already running through worst case scenarios in his mind. Things he anticipates will happen in those cases, the actions he himself wants to take - will try to, if it's down to the wire. ...But he's not one to cut down someone else's idealism or optimism, especially when he's fond of them. So instead of voicing any of that, he just smiles in a reassuring and agreeing way.]
Mm, you're right. Though we'll have to keep an eye on him when he's around others, too - and mind his teeth.
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[But, like. Also the teeth!!]
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[It's very clear from her expression that she hadn't considered what he's implying.]
I guess it isn't surprising for you, given your, um, line of work.
[That isn't to say it isn't upsetting either way, but.]
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That's part of it, but it's more like I think he really has developed a taste for flesh, unfortunately.
[Hilariously, zombies don't create more zombies by biting regular ass people in his world, so this is all new and wild to him, too. Zombitis... is a trip.]
So we'll want to, you know... keep an eye out for that.
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[You know, with the whole taste for flesh thing.]
Unless there's a reason you think that other than because it's what you're used to?
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He doesn't have a taste for his favorite foods anymore. Said he was hungry, but couldn't figure out what for. When I asked if it was flesh- [Because, y'know, he's a zombie wrangler and he was Concerned about the signs he was seeing and wanted to check.] -he really seemed to consider it. Really.
[Jury's still out on whether or not Higekiri found someone to bite.]
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[Haha! Bad!]
I know how this is going to sound, but maybe we should get him a muzzle...?
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Mm... One of those gags might work, too. Anything that could keep his mouth shut or full, if things come down to it.
[Wow that is a terrible thing to say on a sex boat but SHE GETS WHAT HE MEANS.]
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[He will probably freak out if they suggest it.]
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Honestly, if things come to the point where we need to muzzle him, he'll probably be too far gone to do anything but that.
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He’s always been so gentle with me, no matter what. It’s hard to imagine that he could ever do something like that.
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[Him having no real control over his own actions, regardless of the place those actions come from.]
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Mm... Can't say I'm fond of seeing him suffer and struggle this way.
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